The cycle? Why can’t anyone else see?

I just posted that video in the Trich FB Group. I don’t really look in there unless I have to, now. I’m in the group, but I feel far from welcome. Gotta stay with the family though, eh? :D.

I scrolled for a few minutes, just to see what is going on today. It made me feel so low and angry. All these people (mostly women or young girls) aiming for pull free, getting excited over a handful of days where they are pull free…. all muddled with posts of extreme sadness and baldness, people who ruined their pull free period or the last year’s worth of hair growth. Failure and “progress”.

Surely I cannot be the only person who can see (not only my recurring cycle, but) the never ending cycle of hundreds of others. That we continue to rise and fall over our lives - that this is not a happy condition. The evidence in that group alone, is enough to knock me over.

Size doesn’t matter and stop belittling others.

My worries and anxieties.

-I know my body and hair growth rate well. It takes 8 months to recover on top. This is on my crown, not at the back. Not only does this mean that the hair I’ve lost was LONG (about 4 inches) and was part of my fringe, but will also take at least 2 years to reach it’s current-would-be-length again.

-In 4 months time, this bald area MAY start growing and if so, will stick up on the top of my head ridiculously and therefore I will tear it our again in my future due to it’s oddity.

-Because of it’s location, it’s very prominent and I cannot cut my hair to hide or help it. Acting slowly going out the window again. This is rather ridiculous.

-This baldness was not there on monday, my parents confirmed it’s absence. It’s happened in the last two days. In my past, I could tear our palm sized patches in 3 hours. Admittedly, this size is not alarming compared to the past, but it still alarms me greatly.

-It’s on the top of my head, I’m lucky it’s April, for would this be June, I’d be in serious trouble and require a hat to be glued to my head whenever out of doors. I have to be careful.

-Lastly and most importantly, people need to realise that it doesn’t stop now. Just because I’ve seen it, doesn’t mean I can stop it. If anything, it makes me more anxious and panic stricken. I know it’s there. This could get worse.

-If you think that once you have some hair back, you’re safe - you’re most certainly wrong. Trichotillomania never leaves, as I keep saying “it may take days, weeks, months, years, but ultimately, you will revert to tearing out all your hair”. Relapse is enviable, we will all relapse in our futures - but even so, it doesn’t make that pain any less when it happens.

-It’s not progress if it doesn’t stay for good. It’s temporary “happiness”. Stop putting me down that I must smile for what “progress” I make and also stop belittling me in how I feel. My Trich is mine, not yours to analyse.

'You have to smile and be happy for the sake of others'.

No, no matter what happens, I have to put myself first. If that makes me selfish, so be it. I’m suffering too. I can’t deny these feelings or hide my baldness, pretending its all okay for the mass crowd.

I talk about this condition as it is. I’m allowed to lie in bed and cry all evening tonight over this patch. I will not smile and say ‘the sun will come out tomorrow’ to make you all feel more comfortable and secure. Trichotillomania is life damaging, not a walk in the park.

beckie0:

Énorme calvitie sur ma couronne. Je suis blessé. #Trichotillomania #baldness #failure

Let us take this moment to reflect.

We will always relapse. ALWAYS.

It may take days, weeks, months, years, to build ourselves up, but ultimately, we will fall once more… we are never free.

Recognised :).

I was waddling around Ealing, feeling ranty and called my Dad. As I started talking, a young woman came up to me and asked if I’m Rebecca and mentioned my Trich channel/YT, we had a short conversation before we split again.

But I think she mentioned that she wasn’t sure if it was me because I had so much hair! - Wow!

That was a surprise today. People do find you at the most oddest moments and when you least expect them to appear. Gotta be normal anywhere and everywhere haha!

Excuse the faces!

My brother saw me attempting to blow dry my hair and stopped me. He continued to spend ten minutes playing with my hair like a model and voila, this was the result. (He did this once before last summer!).

It was such a relaxing feeling having someone else play with my hair. For me, it felt like the equivalent of a massage. Oh the feelings of someone running their fingers through my hair! It gave me goosebumps! I didn’t want it to stop! Oooh. No seriously - it was awesome! I wish he could do it every day! :).

It feels so weird to have my hair like this. I feel like my old self and a combination of Molly Jensen in the film, ghost. Its not quite the Beckie-flick but its close. It’s a mega boost of confidence. Replicating this may be a bit tricky, but for a few hours - I feel good :).

Why am I not going to the TLC Conference?

1) Because I cannot afford it.

It’s on the other side of the world for me. Several thousand pounds for one weekend? When you add up the registration, the flights, the traveling, the food, the insurance… it sure adds up. Last year, I was lucky enough to go through funding provided from you guys/Trichster Film - thankyou.

(Someone recently offered to pay for this year, which was exceptionally kind, I had to decline because of schooling….)

2) Because I am at film school full time.

Last year, I took time off and it affected my schooling and school friendships severely. I had a great time away but it ruined things when I came home. This year, I’m on a feature film production for 6 weeks solid. Leaving the production for a week will not only affect my grade but will be detrimental to our production. I can’t have time off.

3) I just don’t feel it’s for me right now.

Even though the TLC Conference is fantastic for many, especially newcomers, I don’t think that it’s beneficial for me at the moment. I don’t find the over-optimism helpful and last year, I felt extremely out of place with my views and outlook. I’m extremely solid in how I feel and I don’t think my viewpoint fits in.

That being said, it was/is great to meet people and hug… and that I love, but as a helping mechanism/therapy event, there is only so much it can do for me personally. Trichster are doing things this year and it would have been good to have been a part of that and to say hello to old friends…

——

I think everyone should have the opportunity to go at some point though, I may not benefit as such but I know many others would and do. (This post was more about me and a little how I relate to the TLC Conference. :).)

This is what the last 3/4 months of year 11 did to me.

20th March 2009 Initial exams + prep begins.

10th+11th April 2009

13th May 2009 - Main GCSE’s exams kicked off.

17th June 2009

20th June 2009 - Last Exam followed by Prom.

13th+14th July 2009 - Finished school and now on break.

Were my high grades worth losing my hair? I don’t think so, I still haven’t recovered from this and we’re now hitting the 5 year mark :(.

(By the way, the hair loss increased in severity and occurrence after that summer, it got far worse than the above).

beckie0:

17th April 2012. Cats love us, no matter what we look like (providing we give them food)!