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Me between 11-13: I feel really unhappy. I’m starting to tear out my hair.
UK Healthcare: Here is a year of counselling.
Me between 17-21: I want to die. (I’m also bald.)
UK Healthcare: Oh you’re a teenager, it’s a phase - it will pass! Here are some antidepressants and we’ll put you on waiting lists for treatments (that have NO benefit). Be quiet and go to bed.
Me between 18-21: I’m on waiting lists for treatment’s I have no faith in. You just put me on these courses for the sake of looking like you want to help me. I’m not stupid. You cannot drug me to make the world a better place - it’s shit and I know it.
UK Healthcare: We cannot help you with Depression - let’s try focusing on other parts of your life so we we look like we care. How are you eating? Are you sleeping better? Let’s weigh you. You need a blood test. Come back in three months and we’ll “talk” again.
Me at 21: I still feel really low. I want to die, preferably not wake up than jump out my window. You didn’t help me before but I’m giving you another chance.
UK Healthcare: Here are the options. 1) Kill yourself 2) Take the drugs (antidepressants) we force you to 3) We’ll section you 4) SHUTUP, go to work and live like every other puppet on the planet. We do not care.
Every article has got this wrong:
I went bald for the first time at 18 (one month after my birthday) and continued to keep going bald for 2 years. I didn’t go bald once at 19 like every article is implying. This is so important, because a) that one (missing) year disregards so much pain and suffering that occurred b) in me shaving my hair ONCE and now recovering - people think that shaving is the cure and it’s easy to recover from and c) that you can recover from such baldness in one year (now being 20) - NO! It takes YEARS to recover.
Also they all say I started at 12… There is no start date. I never said I started at 12, only that the damage became noticeable at that age. It doesn’t just start over night.
I said once:
I don’t want to be famous, but I want to be known for something good.
I guess when I die, the only thing that people will remember me by is my Trichotillomania and depression. As much as I don’t want that, that’s where I’m heading.
Wikipedia will read: Rebecca Brown (no. 10833833), born in 1992, attempted suicide __ times, went to school here and here. Had a condition called Trich_______. Throughout her life she promoted awareness. (End of entry).
Right now, loads of people want to get in contact with me… but it’s all down to my hair. They want me to talk about HAIR. They may deviate a little from the topic but ultimately, my hair is the subject of discussion. Not my photographs, paintings, non-Trich content… my hair.
The more I try to differentiate myself from this condition, the more I’m defined by it.
Branding: You’ll notice that my username hasn’t appeared ANYWHERE in ANY of the articles thus far. Some places haven’t even used the embed code for my videos! My subscribers aren’t going up, my views haven’t excelled. I just gained 100 people on twitter. I’m not benefiting from this “exposure” in anyway - contrary to popular belief. I’m not doing this for money or for fame. Awareness is my goal.
Trichotillomania is not something to be turned into a brand, I cannot sell myself with this, nor do I want to.
Carrie might sell a Tshirt with her username, or Emma sell her “Fight Bands” but can I really sell merchandise for Trichotillomania? I’ve ordered 200 Trich Fighter Bands that will go up around New Year - but Trichotillomania products make me feel uncomfortable right now.
I’m so lost.
I want to be me…. All I am is my hair (or lack of). It’s horrible to be so defined by something such as this.
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