Hello, my name is Rebecca. I'm known as Beckie0 on YouTube. This is my journal about my experiences with Trichotillomania.

It’s really hard to fight for a community when that community treats you like dirt when you no longer fit their role model… model. When half attack you for speaking on anything - especially with successful awareness, a quarter support and love but the rest seem to think it their life ambition to make you as miserable as possible, and a few nasty ring leader bullies leading the way.

If you want awareness and so called ‘hope’, don’t trample it into the ground with all the force in your boots.

— 2 days ago with 45 notes

Being bullied online, wow.

Just because you have the same condition as myself, doesn’t mean you can bully, isolate and degrade me in front of our community in the way that you continue to do and encourage others to do so too.

You don’t have to swear, hit or draw blood to harm another human being. Even through your keyboard, you are causing harm and distress. Harassment and hurtful content comes in many forms. Bullies don’t always bully in public or in the ways that others think bullies behave. Some bullies are pleasant/kind when in certain situations, and harmful when backs are turned or when others are oblivious.

Bullying happens in adult hood and by golly you are being one HUGE bully to me. Behave like the adult you are, not like a child bullying another in a playground. Bullying someone out of jealously is childish… I’m not leaving the community and turning my back on all the work I have done for others and our condition, because of your jealousy. Grow up.

You know who you are and you need to stop.

— 1 week ago with 64 notes

#being bullied by an individual and it seriously is hurting  #trichotillomania  #trichjournal 

Some of the Trichers in the Trich Group used my missing cat upset post as an excuse and place for drama. That is how horrible members of that community are.

— 1 week ago with 26 notes

What is going on?

beckie0:

We adopted the three cats last weekend and I’ve had a wonderfully happy week, home alone, bonding and being a Mother.

My parents and I were all away this weekend, my brother, Greg was babysitting cats home alone. On Sunday, Greg was careless and as a result accidentally let the cats out (left a door “ajar”). Mummy and Daddy ran away for hours. When we all came home, we managed to find Mummy and trapped her in the garage - today we got her back in the house.

The Daddy (Thomas) bolted away and although we briefly saw him last night - in a thick wood we couldn’t enter, far from home - he has since vanished into thin air.

The likelihood of him coming home is non-existant, he’s a new cat, never been outside, not bonded to our family and doesn’t know the area. Our only chance is if someone picks him up and scans his chip.

After the loss of Ginger (my last baby who ran away in 2009 and has never returned), I feel Thomas is dead already to me.

I can’t write any more just now, I can’t stop crying. This is the briefest outline I could write. I’m traumatised.

— 1 week ago with 63 notes

beckie0 on Instagram →

beckie0:

Come and follow for cats, jewellery, life and randomness!

— 1 week ago with 23 notes

There are only two hair dressers I trust, both live in Essex, though both far away. One has cut my hair on and off over a decade and the other comes to our house sometimes to cut my family’s hair. It’s not always easy to see both of them, especially when we have to time it all with the rest of the family!

This weekend, my Mum and I went to see the second hair dresser to talk/have a meal together - as I’ve not seen her for about a year! To cut a long story short (haha), after we had our tea, she gave me a little trim all over, so it was a rather relaxed hair cut! :).

She tidied me up and chopped my fringe in. It’s very sharp and thick at the ends and she suggested she should cut in a little, but I said no. I’d rather have a sharp fringe, than a layered one! (Makes it harder to pull like that!). She was really understanding and kept letting me go to the bathroom to look. She did layer parts of the top, because she said that it will grow funny if it’s blunt. She was constantly talking to me/asking me how I was, which I liked - I FELT SAFE! :D.

I can really feel it sitting on my forehead and I’ve missed this feeling! When my hair was cut badly before, it lost that fringe feeling.

I just want to grow the layers out, then consider moving onwards! That’s my current plan :D.

(Yes, that is toothpaste on my chin! It matches my top!)

— 2 weeks ago with 93 notes

#beckie0  #trichotillomania  #trichjournal  #hair cut 

beckie0:

Where am I now and what’s with the cats?!

I have no plans set for the next year, and just incase you’re confused by my move, I do not graduate till November and I’m commuting for two months.

I’ve spent three years in education that I’ve hated due to bad decisions with illnesses and also a want for not wasting time in idle of decisions. Ultimately, every day I’ve forcing myself through and it’s been upsetting. Furthermore, unlike normal Uni students, my timetable/breaks have been harsh, with no breathing space/free periods/holidays - no summer’s off either!

I need some time to breathe and think. I never took a gap year and regret that with all my heart, I’m taking one now. 

I’m earning enough to support basics and pay parents rent too, so I’ve moved in with my family. My Mum works full time, my Brother is in education, Sister living elsewhere at Uni. My Dad has been ill for a good two years now and unable to work. However, suddenly last week, he got a job (which he can do/enjoys) and is now working full time for the first time in years.

I had expected to come home from London and spend time with my Dad this winter, but now it appears that I will be spending most of my time completely alone - which is a bit of a shock.

But you have your cats?

Oui, J’ai deux chats, mais, we have our difficulties. Tabby is never social with me, his twin Ginger was my little one but disappeared in 2009. We adopted Puss a few years back and although she was my baby for a year, three years away at Uni have changed our relationship. She no longer warms to me. Puss spends her days out of the house and only returns when my Mum comes home from work. She continues to sit with my Mum, like a guard dog for hours, till they go to bed together.

So Mum and I went out in search of a kitten I could raise as my own. We looked hard and eventually ended up buying a little ginger/white kitten and adopting the rest of her family, which was a surprise! We now have 5.

What about the room?

My brother moved into my old room when I moved out in 2011 and his old room is now a storage space/gym. My sister still dominates her room and my parents are comfortable in the loft. My Grandad has been living in my parents old room for a year but is finally moving into a little place of his own locally. So we’ve moved me in there!

Off topic but important:

I am a little behind with posting my videos, so over the next month, new videos will go up but will be a little behind when they were recorded. For example, I won’t be talking about the cats on YT till October, because I have to post all the pre-move videos first :).

Not sure what else to add, but I just want to explain a few big things. I do not write long posts on my Tumblr anymore and with good reason, but I felt that so many things needed explaining! :D.

Rebecca.

— 2 weeks ago with 139 notes

The Speakmans on ITV.

image

Here are my opinions, I was going to keep quiet on this, but after seeing others express their concerns/anger - I feel I have to speak on this.

——-

-It was more of an advertisement for The Speakmans than awareness.

-It didn’t explain clearly what Trichotillomania was, before diving into the topic of the cure The Speakmans could provide. As a Tricher, even I found the suddenness of their interview a bit much, could non Trichers really follow that? With my interview, we sort of, let the audience in slowly, before showing images like that, or talking in deep depths.

-The Speakmans kept referring to it as self harm when that is not the case. Sure, the subject of whether Trichotillomania is self harm, is one we all constantly debate - but it’s not yes or no. They should at least say “some say it’s a self harm”… :/.

-The Speakmans said that Trichotillomania is something that we are not born with, therefore we can get rid of it.

Once again, we don’t know yet! Trichotillomania research is in the early stages, it could be genetic for all we know! The Speakmans talked in such a way that millions would follow their statements and believe.

-The Speakmans (like their tv show counselling session) said that Danielle was bullying herself by tearing her hair out, after the bullies stopped hurting her as a teenager. Making her Trich out to be something silly and childish.

-The Speakmans implied that we can all be cured by just talking! Talking mends all our problems and our troubles can be gone.

-The Speakmans did all the talking, Danielle barely spoke. They are very talkative, focused minded people, I’d have found it hard up there to speak too. Danielle was only asked to speak when it backed up what the Speakmans were saying. It wasn’t Danielle’s interview, she was just their example for their cure to advertise :(.

-The piece was far too short, I’ve been on that programme before and we managed to get everything in to the best of our ability. Speaking on telly, especially with a group can be hard. Also, the same morning, there were “breaking news” stories going on, so that could have meant the TV company decided to cut down on their time.

-Danielle clearly stated: “There is no cure for Trichotillomania but The Speakmans have successfully treated me”. We have argued over this. If there is no cure, then how can such a statement be said? Especially as her treatment was extremely recent.

-I asked ITV two nights before, to be sensitive about the subject of Pull Free and cure, I was surprised that the phrase “Pull Free” was not all over the interview, that made me happier :).

-Danielle was asked if she had any urges/pulling moments since her successful treatment, she said a firm no. Yet, clearly last week, she was screaming at myself and others that she had urges to tear all her hair out and was clearly in distress. Such distress that anyone would pull, I know I would. I said a long time ago that the pressure placed on her by The Speakmans to be pull free could be intense, lying on Telly not only gives the impression they have cured her, but also gives false hope to others… because clearly she has had urges, if not pulling somewhere too.

—-

Overall, this television piece made me exceptionally angry, I truly am fed up of The Speakmans claiming they can cure and projecting their beliefs of what Trichotillomania is, as fact. This programme had the potential to be seen by a few million people, and if there are any parents out there watching, they will now believe they can belt their childs trich out of them, with heavy talking and a wig system. This worries me tremendously.

Well done for Danielle going on telly and for her story, I’ve been in that same chair on there and it’s a little scary.

— 2 weeks ago with 45 notes

#the speakmans  #danielle cock  #trichotillomania  #trich 
beckie0:

I spent today with the wonderful Jessica! :).

It’s been a bad week for pulling, eating and sleeping - I do look odd :(. But the hair is a surprise :). I was shocked at how my hair stayed like that for about 40 minutes! Also, it looks long in this photo, it’s most peculiar!

beckie0:

I spent today with the wonderful Jessica! :).

It’s been a bad week for pulling, eating and sleeping - I do look odd :(. But the hair is a surprise :). I was shocked at how my hair stayed like that for about 40 minutes! Also, it looks long in this photo, it’s most peculiar!

— 2 weeks ago with 85 notes

The Speakmans? - Again?

I have opinions on today’s “The Speakmans” interview concerning their “successful” treatments with Trichotillomania. I just want to hold off for a bit - I’ve had a wonderful day out and I’m literally moving out tonight. To summarise for now, I’m not impressed and angered, but I’ll hold off till I’ve had a chance to think and reflect.

— 2 weeks ago with 18 notes

#trichotillomania  #the speakmans  #trich  #this morning 
I never posted this because of what followed.
I honestly feel that day set me back tremendously, it’s the reason why I’m pulling, it’s the reason why I’m put back two years, it’s the reason why I put my wig back on again, it’s the reason why I couldn’t look at myself in editing for two months, it’s the reason why I’m now terrified of hair dressers, why I cry when I see in my mirror what was left and how every millimetre is now worth a mile.
People don’t believe me when I say I was traumatised and how a lasting effect these sorts of things can have on a Tricher. They do - I’m still upset.

I never posted this because of what followed.

I honestly feel that day set me back tremendously, it’s the reason why I’m pulling, it’s the reason why I’m put back two years, it’s the reason why I put my wig back on again, it’s the reason why I couldn’t look at myself in editing for two months, it’s the reason why I’m now terrified of hair dressers, why I cry when I see in my mirror what was left and how every millimetre is now worth a mile.

People don’t believe me when I say I was traumatised and how a lasting effect these sorts of things can have on a Tricher. They do - I’m still upset.

— 2 weeks ago with 49 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal  #hair cut 
Hurting.

I have a routine in the shower, I have to leave my conditioner on for a period of time. Usually whilst it’s on, I’ll wash my face or shave - but as everything is in boxes to go tomorrow, I only had the two bottles of stuff.

I don’t even know how it started, one minute I’m putting on the conditioner, next I have eyebrow strands all over my finger tips.

My empty room is covered in hair, my bed spread, the window sills, the desk, even my shoulders are covered.

Additionally, I’ve finally started regrowth in my fringe from about six months ago, I can feel all the new hairs (like stubble) and it’s taking everything within me not to sit with my mirror and tweezers.

I want to tear every strand from my skull, but I want long hair. It’s not fair.

— 2 weeks ago with 57 notes

#moving out  #trichotillomania