Hello, my name is Rebecca. I'm known as Beckie0 on YouTube. This is my journal about my experiences with Trichotillomania.

5 years ago, I broke a hoover with the amount of hair that I tried to get rid of from my floor. I still worry about hoovers and breaking another!

 I had to go through my hoover insides as I accidentally hoovered up an earring this week. When I opened/tipped it out, I was rather shocked by what I saw. I have seen worse, but it’s still scary to think how all that hair has been lost and destroyed. As silly as it sounds, I almost feel sorry for it… it didn’t grow to just be discarded like this :(.

— 2 hours ago with 30 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal  #hoover 
Pull Free.

You wouldn’t say to a person on a diet:

Chocolate-free-vibes.

Fat-free-vibes.

Food-free-vibes.

You wouldn’t say to a person with a broken arm:

arm-growing-vibes.

accident-avoidance-vibes.

You wouldn’t say to a person who is dying:

death-free-vibes

You wouldn’t say to a person with a mental health disorder such as depression:

depression-free-vibes.

sad-free-vibes.

madness-free-vibes.

The list goes on.

If you wouldn’t say those things above, why would you encourage “pull free” and belt Trichers with that phrase?!

Using a word that is extremely important to a disorder or state that you are trapped in as a constant, hourly “encouragement”, is somewhat triggering.

It’s a constant reminder of what you’re trying to avoid or solve. Just as you are trying to spend time away from your condition, or trying to forget about the latest hair pulling upset you’ve had - someone screams at you “PULL FREE VIBES”.

People in our community, do not respect that some of us, are not taken by “pfvs/pull free vibes” as a form of support. It’s irratating/provocative/insulting and triggering. Please respect when someone says “no”, or “stop”.

I hate the term and I do not encourage it. It should not be regarded as the generic help and ONLY solution in this community. It provides temporary relief then brings on destructive-self-induced-community-encouraged-failure. I see it destroy hundreds of Trichers.

Myself and others (for reasons expressed HERE and elsewhere on my blog), are going crazy at how our community is so obsessed with the term. It’s wrong and destructive to Trichers all over the world.

— 10 hours ago with 59 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal  #pull free  #hair pulling 
You want me to be whiter than white and take all the hatred you send me without standing up for myself.

Everyone else is allowed to write posts about me, reblog my work/posts with their own criticisms at the bottom insult me, call me names, give me labels, attack me in threads, send nasty messages…

Yet, I can’t (obviously, some of those points, I wouldn’t want to, but there are many things that you all do constantly, that you or this community forbids me to - with hard consequences).

I can’t reblog others (public-online tumblr posts) without drama, I can’t stand up for myself when another hurts me on facebook without being labeled “attention seeking”. I can’t respond to insults with insults or anything that is less than “HAPPY” because that makes my life a living hell. Even when I respond to hatred with kindness, I’m STILL labeled a nasty-depressive-negative-hope-destroying person.

I can’t say anything that this community does not support with the freedom that you guys all have.

Everyone else can hurt/fight/shame/attack and express their views without fear. Why should I be an exception to that rule?

Stop treating me with a different rule book.

— 10 hours ago with 42 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal 
Stop the sugar coating.

If this Trichotillomania community only clings to happiness, focuses on encouraging/engaging in pull free periods and only discuss topics that are light and fluffy, then no wonder everyone has breakdowns when they fail, stop being pull free or when someone such as myself talks about it all from a different perspective.

If this community wants change, we need to STOP sugar coating.

— 2 days ago with 72 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal 
I’ve been unable to work this week. I’ve been situated on the landing where the noise from my family travels best and additionally, I’ve had no bedroom to move into to work. Finally, my fan has broken on my mac which is causing some distress. I have to work on it, yet can’t for long periods - which is frustrating. I’m extremely behind and have a tough week ahead with more film school deadlines :(. I can’t take my mac in as I need it for editing/work!
The video is done on The Speakmans, apart from colouring. Furthermore, I called “Nik”, “Rick”, the whole way through. Oh spontaneous vlogging! I just want to show it’s done and that I recorded this the day after I saw it… especially after what happened today :(.

I’ve been unable to work this week. I’ve been situated on the landing where the noise from my family travels best and additionally, I’ve had no bedroom to move into to work. Finally, my fan has broken on my mac which is causing some distress. I have to work on it, yet can’t for long periods - which is frustrating. I’m extremely behind and have a tough week ahead with more film school deadlines :(. I can’t take my mac in as I need it for editing/work!

The video is done on The Speakmans, apart from colouring. Furthermore, I called “Nik”, “Rick”, the whole way through. Oh spontaneous vlogging! I just want to show it’s done and that I recorded this the day after I saw it… especially after what happened today :(.

— 3 days ago with 46 notes

#trichotillomania  #the speakmans 
"You can choose your friends but not your family".

That was said in a conversation between my Mum and a shop keeper yesterday, It applied to a normal scenario in life and yet I found myself comparing it to the large online Trichotillomania community.

On some level, I believe that the Trichotillomania community is my family, though unrelated. We’re all brought together either as sufferers or as relatives/friends of those suffering. For some of us, the only thing we have in common, is our disorder and we are starkly different in every other way imaginable!

I have support across the web and for that I am grateful, but there is that one place online that I feel the surge in activity. There are 3000 of us living and typing in the same space in that facebook group! It’s like a household filled with too many siblings, all growing up at different times. Some in better places, or with more understanding of their condition and you have those currently living at the other extremes. That environment is a horrible concoction waiting to explode in bitterness and anger (extremely regularly).

No family or group of people are perfect. Just because we all have something in common, doesn’t mean we’re all wonderful people. There are misunderstandings and arguments, but there are also cliques, bullies and trouble makers. (Furthermore, especially in this community, there are people with a variety of disorders and life conditions that can make things harder than they would be if we were together in the flesh rather than typing!)

Sometimes, I do not enjoy being part of this community and it makes me feel so sad.

I feel like you’ve put on a sea-saw and control the movement. At times, I feel loved and welcome up high - especially when awareness is going strong or I’m restricting my honesty/postings.

When things are hard (like last week with the hair cut or when people decide to pick arguments over how I’m a bad role model when I’m not overly optimistic with Trich), I feel like I’m pulled to the dirt on the ground.

I feel my own popularity trends and I don’t like feeling like I’m only wanted when I’m useful. I’m only welcomed when it suits others agenda.

I feel like I’m suffocating on some level in there and elsewhere and I know I’m not alone. I want to be my own person and be who I want to be, expressing my views and theories, but I’m struggling with all this backlash and Trichsters pulling me down.

Spreading awareness is hard stuff, I’m trying my best to help you all and help the condition itself - but sometimes all that feels null and void.

I can’t sugar coat this condition to please the world, I can’t spend my life living in hope of a better tomorrow and preaching hope and pull free happiness - especially when it’s something I do not believe in. Hope for me is pointless. I’ve found acceptance is the best thing I’ve tried working towards so far. I cannot understand why acceptance means I’m a bad role model and deserve the treatment I receive. It’s like treading on eggshells non stop and I can’t cope with this. I just want to talk and be me without fear of attack or exile from my own community.

— 3 days ago with 58 notes

#fear  #bullying  #isolation  #trichotillomania 

Once again, a fellow Tricher has said to me, with words to the effect:

You’ve let Trich control your life and given up. It’s sad.

I have not given up.

Accepting you have Trichotillomania is not letting it win/take over. It’s accepting the situation, before moving forward again with different coping mechanisms in place.

Acceptance is NEVER failure and should be just as welcomed as other methods.

— 4 days ago with 59 notes

#trichotillomania  #trichjournal  #acceptance 

The Trichotillomania online community does hurt and frustrate me sometimes, it really does. I feel so exasperated and exiled, despite everything.

— 4 days ago with 25 notes

"Battling for 18 years doesn’t make you a failure, it just means you’ve been fighting a very long time."
— 5 days ago with 357 notes

Summarising in 300 characters or so is hard and my message is a little mixed. Point and anger still stand. That programme has infuriated me.

Summarising in 300 characters or so is hard and my message is a little mixed. Point and anger still stand. That programme has infuriated me.

— 6 days ago with 37 notes

#beckie0  #the speakmans  #trichotillomania 
The Speakmans

There were many things wrong with The Speakmans episode, but one line that was said has stuck with me.

When the man in The Speakmans said to Danni “Sad is what I feel when I look at you” - I felt so angry at him. No one has the right to say that to her or any of us. No one has the right to make you feel ashamed for having Trichotillomania. I felt they were cruel and patronising towards her, from what I saw in the programme . I’d have said something like “I can see the pain and sadness, but I can also see a fighter who has obviously been battling for so long. I think you brave”. I still think her brave for going on the programme in the first place - that was good… I just disagree with the treatment/style and technique of The Speakmans. Does anyone else feel like this?

— 6 days ago with 39 notes

#trichotillomania  #the speakmans  #cruelty  #bullying 

Have any of you seen “The Speakmans” - Trich programme?

I’m watching it now and I’m rather angry/frustrated.

I’m fascinated, what do you think?

— 6 days ago with 13 notes

#trichotillomania  #the speakmans